So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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