I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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