The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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