its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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