Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
