i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
