Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
My ATM looks so different sober.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
