Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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