please come you make the beer taste better
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
