i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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