i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
