I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
