I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
