I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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