Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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