: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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