i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
