she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
