the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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