I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize