hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
