broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
