remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
