I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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