we have pet lesbian snakes
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I think i got beer on your cat.
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