I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
