My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
