Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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