i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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