Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
