I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
