I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize