During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
