i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
