State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
