we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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