My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
