Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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