Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
