you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
