im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
