On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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