in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
