You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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