hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
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