I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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