hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
