you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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