i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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