when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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