last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
