can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
