census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
