I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
splinters make it hard to masturbate
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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