Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
