Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
