it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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