I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
